08:09
everything they say is going in one ear and out of the other, and i'm going to say (and do) whatever i please.
Tag: msg
21:38
i'm already sure of myself and accomplishments. i don't want to waste time talking to anyone.
19:09
anyway i've not seen any of you in 6 years and 4 months, no video call, no photo new or old. just memory.
15:07
can't help but find that a bit strange, another marriage. 🙄 what's the point?
13:34
and if i say the wrong words?
08:35
oh i understand, doubt you can tell me what was not appropriate about this, maybe you should read your own message and question yourself for a moment?
08:24
it is bizarre to read some of these responses today, i have to stop and reflect on things. i said nothing wrong … i am concerned about family and i have sent plenty of messages trying to help. just communicating. this attitude seems out of place… i don't seek permission from you or anyone else on expressing my feelings in a sincere way. you can maybe appreciate how much better i am at doing this today, also.
02:46
ah is it because you don't have anything to list? you just accept whatever a stranger tells you? shame on you, you disgust me!
08:23
so what are you going to do about it? when i was like this everything was dark and dreamy like, i could barely talk, most of it i don't remember. starting at the shelter, a staff came up to me and it was like being high for the first time but so much worse. then nothing until maybe the ambulance, just having someone beside me for a moment asking me some questions, then nothing until i was being strapped onto the scanner in the hospital for just a few seconds, then nothing until i woke up around 7 in the morning looking out of the window just staring into the distance, figuring out where i was without thinking much, just silent, no questioning. they came into my room because i tried to get up and use the toilet and an alarm went off. for a brief period they even tied me up. shocker, but i didn't protest this because i was still "waking up". i even peed (a lot of it) in the bed. didn't take long though, and once i stood up, after using the toilet, i came back out and standing beside the bed i told them to allow me the ability of moving around the room freely. and for the rest of the week, i did!
07:35
you may be older than me but you sure aren't acting like it, i am concerned. your mother card isn't going to work here, either. so unnecessary.
07:25
are you reading my damn messages? stop trusting the fucking doctors!
06:52
are you ashamed falling for the crypto scam?
15:20
am reading more, i am quite disappointed at how inaccurate some of this reporting is. inconsistent. one report even mistakenly says left hand... but whatever. i'm not complaining too much,
15:16
i trust meself from here. am cleansing well. will continue with the progress.
15:06
read the date. this is when i first arrived, i wasn't awake yet. i don't see why i would, today...
05:53
don't take the fall for me, some really want to do me in!
(x2345…)
05:31
i don't fucking care how the world works! i will remain free. i do not listen to anyone else and i am not going to change this mindset i've grown accustomed to. i am in the right! honest, good and free!
05:21
what is his number by the way, would love to forward all of this to him. would you be so kind?
04:55
were you waiting for me to say i'd HIT someone??? yeah, right... and what else?
00:28
am just asking, will not give anyone the satisfaction of watching me have another meltdown or whatever. no way! i enjoy the desperation though, know what i mean (what else can i do?)
22:01
yeah okay, on the back burner
10:22
first time i listened to a song you sent (that i can remember), it's okay... soso. maybe a remix would make it better, (for my taste)
04:57
not appropriate, not sure where that came from.
04:07
nobody is going to help, i'm too detached and unwilling to change (or do favors) for others. i don't won't take anyone seriously enough. i will remain in my own world.
06:11
? this right here. did something have to happen last night? what could it have been? you believe i'm sad? gee, hmm... well i honestly don't feel like explaining myself, nothing out of the usual. i'm fine enough, thanks. i show it everyday.
00:40
have a good night, talk to you in the morning. i'm going to try and go back to sleep, (in this room i am suffocating in)
00:22
i'll still be here talking to you, every now and then, until i'm sure it isn't a good idea anymore. (not much is surprising at this point)
00:10
i would certainly need some level of protection, yes? i've been given the impression i have it, to a degree, after this many years alone. and i am good with privilege, no? i carry myself with a good attitude, making improvement because i want to, not because i'm told. we all know i don't like that...
00:05
i write casually because i can, this is how i will continue to move today, with everything. in the moment, and so on. it isn't hard to ask me what i mean, is it? what happened to the communication today? i've only been improving, on my end, and not just to my advantage. i miss family, i miss at least one friend, but i have been pushing on alone for countless days now.
23:56
hopefully y'all wouldn't deceive me, i feel like a fool sharing this much with him, today. especially when i remember the past. i certainly wouldn't keep him around long, he's a remnant of a different time. the only one i still (sometimes) talk to, given how much time we once spent together. he may be some help, i let him know. but he isn't that much today...
23:46
i think i've shared enough with you, actually. for some reason i feel like i can't trust you.
23:51
hello, who are you people?
03:44
in the end i find myself doing things alone. don't bother me with nonsense, i'm not *that stupid.
03:26
i'll take it from here then. you are a stranger, don't make me explain things i shouldn't have to. not going another round, you know how it can be.
07:12
i know what they are doing and not doing. maybe you are just too used to the system. anyway i keep my calm, is that what you're worried about? i handle things tastefully today.
17:29
i am nothing but a rejected transient. i've been messed with for years and i used to be so naive.
17:27
i don't trust them, last year in vancouver i feel my medical report was minimized and the medicine they gave me never worked until i took it off and ate real food, something that becomes harder to do find.
19:21
i'm in bad shape now and nobody wants to help me. i gave up trying a long time ago. i can't even sit today, i have to stand for relief. (nerve pain) i have barely slept in over a week. i've noticed my body shakes more, nerves are twitching vibrating... i am beyond tired.
17:56
who are the billionaires? in what way are they so? where do you stand?
09:01
it has been 5 years since i last saw you... i don't know what this means. i've been alone for this long i am not with other people and their routines...
12:26
i feel the need to tell you that the one you clicked like on, in the first and fifth photo... were not the best days. even the last photo.
11:45
🖼🖼🖼🖼 ...so distant.
14:43
to be clear, this is smoking on weekends
19:11
i have not been back in to sort my cash assistance because i do not want any issues.
13:37
i can't because we are not together, and if i do it will still appear so.
11:24
not sure what you expect me to do today, as i have been pushed out of everything.
10:22
i did enough, Will take a break for some years inside my own place
12:27
what does this even mean today?
08:54
you could just say, i want you to move because of this or that reason. i can't see it any other way,
16:12
i already went through these and for years on my own i do not want to be bothered with anyone from here forward,
08:48
at which point do i lose my patience? i wonder, it's been years now... (not towards any of you in particular, just in general)
08:45
a waste of time and money for me, in my opinion ~ suit yourself !
14:21
income for you, housing where?
08:28
all you do is "react" to messages instead of typing something, and where are the updates from your side
19:32
i know i am such a huge disappointment i haven't always been in the right state of mind and today i might be but i have nothing to do with it so
19:14
that's the update, same as the past years now
19:10
a lot of what i write in my journal has to do with what goes on around me in the moment, most of it is not towards any one in particular... and only a few have to do with any of you...
18:59
you may think you have something of substance to say back in this message but you don't… i have sent individual messages to everyone at different points and i even called you sharing some things not too long ago so yes, it actually should make some sense. and dismissing my journal as nonsense like i am some loony that is out of it, it is me who doesn't know what to say back. i have shared plenty by now.
11:36
https://nitsuji.net/ another year
08:24
yes, it is the ukiah photo, and what a different time it was (or seemed)
14:12
sleep, eat sleep, eat sleep, eat
22:05
do you even hear me? how my brain is today? how my life is today? how much things have changed? are you listening?
21:57
what help do i need? i need money! it should be easier, i've qualified for assistance my whole life, and now even more so.
16:43
i need support to get this done but where is it? do i have any ? surely not going to ever trust a stranger again, and that is what everyone is… y’all are becoming more so as well
19:09
well this is all old talk anyway, not sure why you take this tone now. just repeating a familiar line you should know all too well by now, why you would say i do not value you when for whatever reason i still talk to you i am not certain
10:40
no action just a few taps of this screen,
10:06
https://nitsuji.net/photos/21011/
looking at this photo makes me realize how much hair i have lost since then, and especially since this past april .
10:55
i never listen to music anymore but this morning i made my way to an old last.fm account i used way back when and chose this song to play ,
12:46
if someone asked you what it is i have spent the most money on, what would you say in response?
13:19
surely you aren’t new to the world and how some people operate. or maybe you are not quite used to this setting. what am i doing to improve my situation? well i used to work and get things done until i was pushed out of that. i have no way forward because the harassment continues to increase while i myself continue doing better alone. i’m not going to accept anything else.
09:09
hey! anyway, have a good day. ! will continue ignoring everyone and as flavio likes to say, ~sliding away~ from trouble. YaY!
07:42
you dismissed things i shared and expect me to give a definition of ptsd to make everything believable. but i’m not going to argue. just putting it out there. i’ve been pushing through years of this to a better place, i feel good today overall, despite everything. unlike before and up to a few years ago, when it wasn’t as true.
06:16
his response was "your mind is really messy" and mine was, < my mind is fine enough. >
19:08
do you know people from the inside who will help you obtain my ssi while i get set up and thrown away?
19:45
i sit here in the dark on a cold night after a day of rain with damp clothes, blanket, bags. waiting for me to act up, hmm?
12:52
i am tired of running around in circles and i shouldn't be doing this still, i deserve something better by now.
08:45
you were quick to dismiss some of the things i shared, so i had a reason to ask,
22:24
why should i have to explain to you what it means? i gave you clear examples, and it wasn't easy doing so, especially under the circumstances... !
12:52
i can never find the time or place to call back, it is very difficult here today.
06:45
when am i going to find out if you are real or not? go to the nearest mirror and waive a light around...
10:25
and i am moving around a bunch of people everyday, with the same nonchalant attitude i have grown accustomed to, and will keep. !
i want you to be well too, but you are not going to put me in harms way or take advantage of me,
i'm not comparing, just acknowledging my effort at the time. if we had met today we wouldn't have.
today i am very familiar with how some can lie...
i am not open to change against my will. i cannot pretend either. some people like to take advantage you know, who am i to say anything? well,
best? always? i wouldn’t say that… i do the best i can. i’ve made an effort in the years i have been out here, but i have not been able to reach something stable, a place of my own. you could say i am selfish even though i had more than just myself in mind while i tried and worked hard for something better. i could be helping out and giving back by now. instead i am no longer able to work or meet anyone and i struggle to have even a conversation on the phone making appointments to finish this process obtaining disability. there were better days, few and far between…
my perseverance? emotional intelligence?
"complete disconnection"
what's wrong with it?
don't expect it to change, either.